Angry, Controlling, Stingy Father's Guide to Destroying Your Children and Their Mother (Satire)

If you are going to get the upper hand in a divorce where your soon-to-be-ex-wife holds all the cards, she'd better get a few things straight:  One, she's not the boss, you are. Two, that's your money, and you'd be a fool if you let her have any more of it than necessary.  And three, those kids better realize what a jerk their mother has been, and the sooner the better.

This guide will explain just how to put your ex in her place, how to teach your kids to hate their mother, how to stay fully resentful and angry, and how to keep as much of your money as possible. But you have to understand and put the whole plan into effect if it is going to work right.  Listen to me, and I'll tell you true.

The key to all this is to stay resentful at the ex, and to never never admit any of your faults or your part in the break-up.  It is, of course, all her fault that she is such a controlling witch and trying to keep the kids from you and take all your money. And, forget ever working it out - you think you can even sit down with that psycho-chick?  Yeah, right!  So, here is what you do to enforce your rights.

First, Cultivate Your Anger

Everyone knows that men get the shaft in family court, so you need to get some real inner strength for the fight ahead during the divorce.  Any real man will tell you you can't let the woman get an edge or think you are weak. Plus, you know she is out to get you, so you can't let your guard down for a second.  

That means you have to start angry and stay angry. If you show any weakness, she may take advantage of you and her lawyer will castrate you. Stay angry at the lawyer too, and the judge, because he is going to trash you anyway.

Anger - it makes you hard and ready to do battle. 


Second, Refuse to Accept Blame - It's all HER Fault

She is the one who wouldn't respect you, and now she wants the money, the kids, the house, and everything else. How typical. If she had just understood that a man needs space, and didn't always give you grief when you watched TV and sports or hung around at the bar with the guys. Geeze, what did she want? Why couldn't she just just go drink tea and have a pity party with her girlfriends or something.

You have to be careful here: The kids are going to think you are not being fair to her, but they don't really understand that it's her fault you're getting divorced. You never wanted a divorce. Hey, you provided for her. What more does she want?

She was always busting you to go to church, or help with the kids, or spend time with her.  C'mon, what man does that? Fishing or TV sports are much more interesting. 

Women are supposed to take care of kids, so she has no right to be upset that you wouldn't lift a finger to help her. Who does she think she is? You taught them to play ball and took them to little league games, and she wanted you to change diapers? Yeah, right! 

And church - forget it.  That's for women and wimps. God's all right, I guess, if you want to believe in him, but you have no reason to waste a lot of time going through all that rigamarole.

And why was she always belly-aching about "spending quality time"? You were good to her. You  watched TV, took care of her in bed. What did she want - flowers all the time or something? She knew you loved her. She didn't need any attention other than that.

Her job was to get the kids ready, fix the meals, do the laundry, get a job outside the home so you had enough money, clean the house, and do the shopping. What's so hard about that? You had the tough job, and she was always complaining. How ungrateful.

It's no wonder you are getting divorced. Who could deal with a woman like that? She will try to tell you that you need to look at your issues, your lack of empathy, but that's just Oprah-talk. Ignore it. It's her fault - period. She filed, and that's that. What could be clearer?


Third, Get A Mean SOB Of A Lawyer

If you are going to have even a chance of winning, you must find a mean lawyer who will represent your best interest in court. Don't find someone who will negotiate or work it out with the ex, or you will lose your shirt. Yes, your kids need new shoes, but the lawyer costs a LOT of money, and he's going to be worth it. You'll teach her not to mess with you. 

The lawyer must beat her down and teach her she can't get away with asking for custody, the house, and too much money. Only deal with a lawyer who will do that. Expect to pay at least ten grand, maybe up to a hundred thousand, depending on where you are, and how well the lawyer is connected.  Find someone who knows how to "play the game", and used to be a partner with the judge. After all, knowing the judge is the key. 

Fourth, Refuse to Negotiate

She wants to take everything but your underwear. She wants the house, the kids, the car, your money, your retirement, everything. You can't negotiate with someone like that. You just have to keep filing motions, and trying to stop her from taking what is yours. You worked hard all your life for that money and that house, and she shouldn't get it, the gold-digger.

Negotiation is for sissies. You might end up giving way too much away. I know it is a huge risk to go to trial, but its better to do that, knowing you did your best to try to get justice. If you didn't go all the way, and put on a full blown trial, you could never live with yourself. You couldn't sleep at night, knowing you did not do your best to stop the injustice against you. 

She has to be taught a lesson that it will painful to mess with you. Even if you don't win, you have cost her a lot of money, and then she didn't get away with it. It would be better to both spend the money on lawyers, rather than let her hands on it. If not, she'll just keep trying to hurt you forever.


Fifth, Make Sure the Kids Know Mom's a Jerk

Nothing is more important than letting your children know that their mother started this divorce, and that it is all her fault. You didn't want it, and she is the bad guy here. Plus, she is the one who is trying to cut down on the time you get with the kids, and take your money.

You should sit the children down, and make sure they know everything - that she filed for divorce, that she wants all your money, and that she really doesn't love them if this is what she is doing. You owe this to your children, so they don't grow up with the wrong impression. They need to know you are the innocent party. 

Yes, it could backfire, and they could resent you. And yes, it may cause them to cry and have serious problems at school.  And yes, they are being put in the middle, and may have psychological problems because both parents are using them as pawns. Despite all that, they have to know that the mother is evil, pure evil. No question about that. It's too bad that mom caused all this by divorcing you. The kids will just have to suffer for knowing the truth about their mother. Can't be helped.


Sixth, She's Never Getting a Dime

Now we are getting to the important issue - Money. You earned it, so you should keep it. She wanted to leave, so she should live with the consequences. She can work and earn her own money, so she doesn't need much of yours.

The big struggle is over money: Child support, alimony, pensions, the house, savings. She is whining about how will she take care of the children unless she gets adequate support. Your job is to fight her for every penny. Make it painful, and don't ever let up. If you give an inch, it will be seen as weakness, and she will just try to get even more.


Tell the Judge The Court is Unfair and Biased

The court is totally unfair to men, so show your displeasure to the judge about that bias. How else will the judge wake up and learn to be fair if you don't speak up about the issue. If the judge keeps showing unfairness after that, ask that the judge be recused from the case.  

Always remind him or her of the bias the court is showing at every hearing. Only then will you have a chance to be treated fairly. If the judge reacts to all that criticism, then it just proves what a low-life judge you got. Keep fighting the judge at every turn, and eventually things will go your way, right?


EPILOGUE - Non-Satire

This little essay is a composite of all the justifications and excuses I have heard from divorcing men over the last twenty years. They reflect a fundamental refusal to deal with pride and anger - the deadliest of the seven deadly sins.

The family courts are certainly biased against men, and that is a painful truth that almost every man struggles with. How you deal with that - whether by resentment, or by gracious willingness to negotiate - will likely determine your children's fate. They hang in the balance, and a man who is seething with anger, and unwilling to face his own shortcomings which contributed to the divorce, will nearly always ensure a shaky future for his children.

Many woman take advantage of the system, get false restraining orders, manipulate the court to get too much money, and do other horribly abusive things to men. Most of this is totally out of line. On the other hand, some men refuse to enlarge their own character to deal with this injustice from a position of moral strength and courage, and react immaturely.

The best approach by far, when divorce is unavoidable, is to at least avoid all the things in this article, by engaging in negotiation rather than war. Even if it takes a long long time, and you think you are not getting anywhere, that is still better than the incredibly costly alternative - two lawyers fighting it out on your money and eating away you and your children's future financial security.